Hello mortals,

enjoy my bravery.

I was coming out of the grocery store, my fish and doughnut in my hand. I decided to go a shortcut, going through the alley way, when the Cat Mafia came out of the shadows. They started grilling me for intel about my agency, advancing towards me. When I didn’t comply, they shoved me up against the wall, my fish and doughnut flying out of my hands.

Now this is the part where I down and dirty. I looked at the head Mafia dude and said “Well you better go to the grocery store and get me another fish and doughnut, and give me my money back!”. He didn’t like that. He got his fencing sword out of his belt, machete in the other hand. He held the sword up to my neck and threated “If you don’t give us the information, you’ll never see The Girl again!”.

And I was like OH NO HE DIDN’T.

So I kicked his legs out from under him, wrestled his sword and machete out of his hands, and they slid into the corner of the alley out of reach. He was still down, after a hard hit to the face when he fell, but his buddies came at me. They started cracking their knuckles, and I was like OH IT’S ON. LIKE DONKEY KONG PLAYING PING PONG ACTING LIKE A DING DONG.

I backfliped over them, and while I was over their heads I kicked them in the head. I landed next to my fish, and I started swinging it around, just flinging it in the air. I started hitting them in the faces with the fish. They got pwned. By this time the head dude was up and swinging. So I started just hitting him over and over in the face. Just bang! Bang! Bang!

He passed out, and I went over and got my doughnut, ripping it into three equal pieces. I got in my purse, and got my emergency survival pouch and got my poison out. It wouldn’t kill them! No. But it would knock them out for long enough for me to get out of there. So I enjected the liquid into the doughnut pieces, and put them in each of their mouths.

After putting the vial back into my purse, I turned and walked out of the alley. I walked back to the store and got another fish and another doughnut, and started my way back – This time not taking the shortcut. I unlocked the house, and fried my fish, and then sat down and ate my doughnut and read the newspaper, then fell asleep. Just in time for The Girl to get home.