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Day 30: The Adventures of Jailbirdcat

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Hello mortals,

I have a story for you peasant brains.

So I was talking to Tom the other day, and we got to talking about our Agency History. And he told me a fascinating story about Ancient Egypt and The Kitty Konsortium (Our agency). So if you don’t want to read this, you must be a dog. So please, carry onto Rumpydog’s blog. -_- And you dogs should also sleep with one eye open.

 

Time traveling back to Ancient Egypt ~~~

 

 

 

 

A time where cats were worshipped, Pharaohs ran the lands, and the people were brought to justice with something they called “Ma’at” – the ancient Egyptian concept of truth, balance, order, law, morality, and justice. And also, a time where the gods opperated diamond space crafts.

Yes, you heard me right, mortal. They were built to aid a system that you would know as “Amazon.com”. Ran straight from the Amazonian lands (yes, the river), meant as a secret source for cats to buy everything they needed to be Godly. Obviously they couldn’t let the mortals know that they too had to have litter boxes, and If I may say so myself, Some FABULOUS jewelry!

The Space crafts would then be stocked with the things cats had ordered and it would be shipped to them. How the mortals didn’t see big diamond space crafts?? Cloaking devices. Obviously! Your brains worry me, peasant.

After a few millenia, The amazonian.com™ started getting fewer and fewer usages. The cats had been getting run down by mortals that thought they were better than them. Soon enough back in the Amazonian lands, they started having to make budget cuts, so they had to lay off some of their space craft drivers, so production levels dipped down to irreversible  levels, and they ended up shutting down amazonian.com™.

Obviously they didn’t need the space crafts anymore, so they called up Tutu to have his company tear the crafts down and use them for recycling purposes, but when you put the God of Sleep in charge of something, it just doesn’t get done. Lazy, lazy Tutu. The majority of the space crafts sunk fully into the ground, But some of them only sunk half way. The openings to the minority of them were accessible, so the Egyptians made the rooms into tombs, and dressed the hallways in booby traps. They made them into mazes so the “tomb raiders” AKA “The space craft raiders” wouldn’t be able to find the valuables that were buried with the tombs.

The diagram of what the space crafts really looked like. Above the red line in the center is the "pyramid" for those of you who don't understand.

The diagram of what the space crafts really looked like. Above the red line in the center is the “pyramid” for those of you who don’t understand.

Years and years and years and years and years (you get the point) after all this, the Hoomans found these so called “Pyramids”. And now, apparently, they are a part of the “7 Wonders of the World”. IDK what that even is.

“And that’s the story!” Tom says. “Tom,” I say “MIND. BLOWN.”

Jailbirdcat, 

Padme

#imbackbaby + New puppy?!

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HELLO MORTALS!!!

Jailbirdcat is back!

I’ve been gone for a while. You must have noticed because I’m just that awesome. I had some stalkers, whom I learned were from a competing agency, so I had to go incognito for some time. BUT I’M BACKKKK. You better put your seatbelts on ‘cuz you’re ’bout to go on a rollercoaster. PEACE.

So lots has happened whilst in incognito. Worthless got more worthless. Un-God Like got, well lets just say.. got even. more. Satanic. The Stupid Neighbor is as tank-like as he could be. Patches, we tight. Our POA (Plan Of Action) is much farther along since we went incognito. (I like that word)

Oh! And another thing. THE NEIGHBORS GOT ANOTHER PUPPY. I’m mean, come on. isn’t 1 stupid animal and 1 epic animal enough? Apparently not. I have spoken to Ra in much detail, after scouting out and gathering intel. of the puppy. Ra’s oh so glorious decision shall be t0

call her PIRANHA. Do we need a side by side??

~Bella~

~Bella~

~Piranha~

~Piranha~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would like to present you with a collection of pictures that have been taken over the past few months. Mostly of Piranha, but some of Worthless and Neighbor.

TADA!!!!!!

 

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My agency has taken care of our little stalker problem, so I will be able to be in the radar again instead of under it. So, insignificant mortals, that means I will be able to write more journal entries! Goodbye my minions!

Jailbirdcat,

Padme

Day 18:*sobs*, but quickly turns into *Mwahahaha!* (Mwahahaha Part 1)

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Hello mortals,

O woe is me!

Woe, woe, woe is me! O, woe is me, To have seen what I have seen, to see what I see! This world isn’t meant for an over-achiever like me! But beyond that, The girl has been gone so much! *sobs* I miss her so. She goes to the Neighbors house everyday! Sometimes she stays for supper, and doesn’t bring me back any meat! Then on Fridays she’s gone ALL DAY! From 10:30 AM till 5:30 PM! Then sometimes they go out for dinner too! I MISS HER! The only time we have together is at night, when it’s cold so she holds me under the blankets. Ok, that might be a little extreme… I see her, she’ll hold me, but it’s never good enough!

But she did win me back by getting me a sparkley collar! Oh how I love it! It’s like a little crown for you neck… It’s very pretty and makes me feel like a princess! BUT! We must go back to me being mad. I don’t want her to think that I have forgiven her.

But do you know what’s even worse than her going down to the neighbors? THE NEIGHBORS COMING DOWN TO MY HOUSE. The dog just runs around looking for toys and butt-tucking, tries to eat Worthless’s food, then when he discovers that there is no food in that dish, he goes and tries to get MY FOOD. Then he demands to go outside, then after he goes outside, he comes in again, and does all that stuff over again! Then he finds me sleeping on the TV stand, and jumps up and tries to eat me! *sobs* He’s a meanie-bo-beanie! HE MUST PAY!!! MY RA, HE MUST! *prays* Oh Ra, give me the strength to abolish him. Let me do my part in taking over the world. Amen.

So I am conjuring  up a plan to seek revenge. It will be big. It will be painful. It will be hilarious. (for me) Stick around for “Mwahahaha Part 2” 😀

Jailbirdcat,

Padme

Day 10: The girl, the witch, and the ogre

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Hello mortals,

Lets focus on the good things – The girl is perfect.

The witch…uh…she brings me to wake up the girl….and sometimes (when she’s not meaning to) she doesn’t burn food….The ogre…er…he’s gone half of the time. =)

The witch and The ogre, they still have a lot to learn about worshiping cats. They should look to The girl for guidance. The witch, she feeds us. The ogre, he grills out sometimes (Though it is burnt). That is about it…for the good. I could go on and on about the bad stuff. Hmm…lets see – The ogre (as I have said) picks me up and rocks me like a baby and says “Ohh! You are a cute kitty kitty!! Ohhh, it the cute little kitty sleepy??”, (As I have said) Get off this! Get off that! I CAN’T BE ANYWHERE WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The witch, she burns food, Picks me up and…”cuddles” me, if you will. She takes me in her arms and holds me close (Believe me this isn’t the beginning of a love song) and goes “OOOooHHH! I love my kitty kitty!!!!! I just want to hold her and cuddle her and call her George!!!!!”. It is obvious they don’t know I am a goddess. If they did, they would be cowering on the floor worshiping me. They don’t know the things Bast can do if you make her angry.

You won’t like me when I’m angry.

Jailbirdcat,

Padme

Day 9: A prisoner rant

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Hello mortals,

Run.

Run, run, run. Get as far away from this horrid place as you can. Or more specifically, the cafeteria. Yuck! The food is…almost a living organism…Me and Very un-god like share the same type of food. At least she got what was coming to her… Anywho, ’tis nasty. Like I was saying in one of my other entry’s about The witch – Burnt. B-U-R-N-T. Charred.  C-H-A-R-R-E-D. And any other words under the sun that mean burnt. I’m starting to wonder if  they  realize that it is GRECIAN gods who are honored by burnt offerings. Not Egyptian.

But alas, even though I start a blog, rant, while peeing on their stuff, I am still here. Still captured. My godly essence contained by the iron bars of jail. But one thing I do like, when I hack and cough, The girl runs to my side with a tissue and pets me and tells me I’ll be alright, and then afterwords she wipes my nose off with said tissue. Ahh, I do love her…er, worshiping me…

Meanwhile during my suffering, Worthless is doing nothing and getting treats, cookies (He’s addicted. It’s absolutely repulsive.), crackers (sigh…addicted), toys, brushed, petted, and one thing I do like, The girl gets him down on the floor on his back and chews on his neck, and very, very rarely, gets a bath. He even has clothes – he gets to wear a collar!!!!!! But, the Egyptian god Bastet is N-A-K-E-D!

Jailbirdcat,

Padme                                                                                               

Moi!

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Shhh…The god is sleeping…

Day 8: The jailers

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Hello mortals,

Meet The girl, The witch, and The ogre.

The girl. You’ve already learned about her. Apophis, Anubis, blah blah blah.

The witch. I’ve briefly mentioned her. But, alas, I still have to explain. I…I don’t even know how to explain my disgust. She is responsible for most of my… annoyance. She cooks…interesting things (most of it burnt : – ) ). The girl nicely offers her food to me…one of the few times I have to be polite (what would she think of me if I weren’t?). I accept it kindly, but…Er…let’s drop it. The only… acceptable…thing she does for me is bring me to The girl. Otherwise, she picks me up and squishes me against her face. Ugh. I’m done talking about her.

The ogre. I can’t be ANYWHERE with him! If i’m on the TV center – GET OFF! If i’m on the couch – GET OFF! If i’m on the table – GET OFF! If i’m on the counter – GET OFF! HOW is a god supposed to live like that?!?!?!?! And then he has the NERVE to pick me up and rock me like a baby!!!!!!!

WHO’S THE GOD OF CHAOS NOW????????????

Jailbirdcat,

Padme

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